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online-dating-with-elle:

PSA if anyone needs short proofreading/editing done, i’m building a portfolio (and freelance confidence working with clients etc), so let me know

right now it’s like $5 for up to 1000 words, some will do more, some less, i’m still feeling it out. if you want that elle strider flare though you gotta come to me.

if this goes well i’ll be able to take on larger and more involved projects through elance. or just reach out to me, jfc i’m happy to do anything writing-related

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#1 charmer right here. really doesn’t deserve my best dave impression but whatever i was in the groove

we’re a 2% match and i can’t imagine why, but if i had to guess i’d say it’s because he talks about women like we’re an alien species. good luck with your opinions, slick

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liquidcoma:

online-dating-with-elle:

regarding the line “swift-tasting tungsten” in my profilea brazen reminder that i rule the realm fictitious iron-fistedly, liaisons of the literal are not welcome here

so, like, what, is “swift-tasting tungsten” a figurative phrase to describe something? what does it describe? dada absurdism is so 1910s
i feel like im reading lines from an anime antagonist, the kind whose glasses reflect sourceless light while saying “pathetic”

i use my okcupid profile to showcase some pretty flourishy figurative language. it’s a bit oblique, this approach,  but occasionally i rope in someone that appreciates the verbal paintings i get so very, very passionate about. i’ve had a lot of great conversations that kick up because someone fell in love with my writing.anyway, the first line of my profile is, “i am the glimmering gallows goddess of swift-tasting tungsten and indomitable indifference.” in addition to having a lovely feel to it, the phrase “swift-tasting tungsten” refers to tungsten knuckles, more commonly known as knuckle dusters or brass knuckles. a simple and rather brutal hand-to-hand weapon that is illegal in many regions around the world. it’s kind of a showy way of saying, “i am rather like a harbinger of death— i will deck you in the teeth and not give a single shit about it.” only it sounds and feels more smooth and conjures more powerful, more specific imagery. it has a voice to it.it’s not absurd on its own, it simply courts absurdity by its method.if i were a magical girl, i would use tungsten knuckles as my weapon of choice.

liquidcoma:

online-dating-with-elle:

regarding the line “swift-tasting tungsten” in my profile

a brazen reminder that i rule the realm fictitious iron-fistedly, liaisons of the literal are not welcome here

so, like, what, is “swift-tasting tungsten” a figurative phrase to describe something? what does it describe? dada absurdism is so 1910s

i feel like im reading lines from an anime antagonist, the kind whose glasses reflect sourceless light while saying “pathetic”

i use my okcupid profile to showcase some pretty flourishy figurative language. it’s a bit oblique, this approach,  but occasionally i rope in someone that appreciates the verbal paintings i get so very, very passionate about. i’ve had a lot of great conversations that kick up because someone fell in love with my writing.

anyway, the first line of my profile is, “i am the glimmering gallows goddess of swift-tasting tungsten and indomitable indifference.” 

in addition to having a lovely feel to it, the phrase “swift-tasting tungsten” refers to tungsten knuckles, more commonly known as knuckle dusters or brass knuckles. a simple and rather brutal hand-to-hand weapon that is illegal in many regions around the world. it’s kind of a showy way of saying, “i am rather like a harbinger of death— i will deck you in the teeth and not give a single shit about it.” only it sounds and feels more smooth and conjures more powerful, more specific imagery. it has a voice to it.

it’s not absurd on its own, it simply courts absurdity by its method.



if i were a magical girl, i would use tungsten knuckles as my weapon of choice.

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regarding the line “swift-tasting tungsten” in my profilea brazen reminder that i rule the realm fictitious iron-fistedly, liaisons of the literal are not welcome here

regarding the line “swift-tasting tungsten” in my profile

a brazen reminder that i rule the realm fictitious iron-fistedly, liaisons of the literal are not welcome here

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it’s just a bloodbath don’t even try it kid

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i am back

i am back

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every once in a while i will get an anon message where the person is just straight up mad at me for some reason they fail to make apparent. i like to imagine that i’m playing an adventure game and a prompt pops up that’s like, “a goblin approaches! he hails you, waving his makeshift goblin stickweapon threateningly: ‘you have a pretty cool blog especially considering that you’re shit and smell like wet dog and everything you touch becomes a root canal you sticky fucking doorknob!’ he shouts. wilst thou engage the cranky goblin? Y/N”

and i’m like nah du i’m over here with a +9 ogre slaying bow and dragon-repellant underpants, i am dressed to the nines in stacked up endgame duds and i am booked to next july with stomping evil sorcerers and felling the mustiest of elder deep ones. i have a sword powered by crushed-up wizard teeth that can cleave a hillside, why on earth would i waste my time on this little goblin and his twisted goblin knickers. get out of here, i am on my way to give a werebear the peoples’ elbow. busy fuckin woman comin through

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mameliaf:

chiefdunkslamstress:

wet hair who caressometimes i look okay

I CANT BELIEVE THIS GORG BABE IS VISITING ME TOMORROW ASD;LGKHAENJPWTUIONA;SDFLSDKMVPSREIO;FDBKC

CONFIRMED i am traveling to NYC to hang with this lovely rad lady until wednesday. likely no substantial upd8s til then!

mameliaf:

chiefdunkslamstress:

wet hair who cares

sometimes i look okay

I CANT BELIEVE THIS GORG BABE IS VISITING ME TOMORROW ASD;LGKHAENJPWTUIONA;SDFLSDKMVPSREIO;FDBKC

CONFIRMED i am traveling to NYC to hang with this lovely rad lady until wednesday. likely no substantial upd8s til then!

(Source: crow-queen-crowned)

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either an impressive display of determination or a concerning level of desperation

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Anonymous said: Reading your blog is like clutching my bed as vertigo hits, struggling to avoid being flung off as the universe distorts around me and tries to spit me out. But in a good way.

reading this message is like getting a card in the mail when it’s not a holiday and then it has sort of a weird premise on the cover so you’re kind of starting to wonder if you need to be careful for anthrax but your curiosity gets the better of you (in spite of having watched Osmosis Jones) and you open it to find a pleasant goofy punchline at the end

why thx u anon <3

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bi? more like byemore like i&#8217;m demi but okc makes me put bimore like why do bi people have to deal with solicitations like this, i swear i get one of these a week and it&#8217;s always &#8220;hey you&#8217;re bi&#8230;let&#8217;s have a threesome ;)&#8221;

bi? more like bye

more like i’m demi but okc makes me put bi

more like why do bi people have to deal with solicitations like this, i swear i get one of these a week and it’s always “hey you’re bi…let’s have a threesome ;)”

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PSA: if you send me fanmail and i don’t respond to it directly there is a 110% chance i’m too proud of it to let it go

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walterstrawberrymilkshake said: I just got a weird message on my profile and I'm not sure how to respond. What would you say? "After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories... you will always have a special place in my heart. Your ex-hubby, Herbie p.s. You can keep the beach house in Florida as long as I can have the dog and my CD's back.

hahaha oh wow, that’s such an overused copy/paste message. to call it ‘classic’ is a huuuuge understatement. i’ve seen this antique pop up on male-centric forums all the time, usually accompanied by the sentiment that “it’s so clever and random it’s BOUND to get a few responses!”

i mean there’s tons of factors that go into someone sending a message like this. copy/paste things are intrinsically revolting to me. something about the idea that i don’t stand out enough to this person to warrant the hot minute it takes to compose an original and genuine greeting, or maybe just the sheer cheapness of it. i find written expression really important in a partner. these kinds of things give me the vibe that they don’t really want to know you so much as they want a girlfriend. you know? just my beef with it, anyhow.

i would probably grab the dumbest, oldest copypasta i could think of and respond with that. because if they didn’t want to invest in a real message, you shouldn’t feel obligated to either. how about the whole transcription of the “Lots and Lots of Trains” DVD commercial? i think that’d do nicely. it’s a lot to put in a post so i’ll throw it under the cut if you want to try that.

thanks for reading (and for providing this long-sought after example of copypaste messages), and i hope this helps!

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please don’t describe me with words like “blunt”, at least not to my face. “feisty” maybe but that’s like a friend thing and we ain’t that familiar pal

not pictured: 18 pages of unacceptable answers

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xandramae said: I actually really want to ask, if you get a message like "I know a daddy's girl when I see one." what do you say? I've gotten this message twice, both from guys who are way too old for me (but not even close to my dads age). To one guy I was just like "Ew, creepy, blocked" and the other guy I actually tried to have a conversation about why he thought it was appropriate and he was like "defensive must mean ur repressin sumthin", like what? Should I make them feel hella awkward? How?!

oh wow gross yeah, i would have no qualms fucking with someone like this. unsolicited weird-at-best advances are so bizarre and rude.

i feel like there are a lot of ways you could go with this, and it really depends on how you feel about it. i’m a tremendously vindictive bitch  and if i feel i’ve been spared the most basic human decency then i’ll offer no quarter in return. i make it my sole objective to have them feel as stupid as possible. bust out the dictionary/thesaurus, wax poetic, compose a haiku for their receding hairline or a scathing couplet about how they’re old enough to be your grandpa. make them embarrassed to think they could’ve ever stepped to your unearthly science.

if that’s not your style (or you don’t have as much time to waste as yours truly) you could snap back with a one-liner. it’s not my specialty but you might try some of the following:

"I know a daddy’s girl when I see one."

- and i know a sex offender when i see one

- funny you should mention that, my dad works in computer forensics— what’s your ZIP code, romeo

- sorry, i’m homo sapiens sapiens, i don’t date outside my subspecies.


if you’re not super interested in engaging the slimeball, you could copy/paste something ridiculous, like Smash Mouth lyrics, or scripts from Samuel Beckett plays. a very minimal effort that definitely gets the point across that you can’t be bothered to give a tumbling fancy fuck about their unsavory solicitations.

i think the important part is that you walk away from the exchange knowing you’re infinitely better than they are. it’s wicked kinds of sucky out there sometimes and it’s not easy to shrug off every sloppy pass, but try to remember that you’re so much smarter, stronger, sharper, so much better than that crude rabble. however you reach that conclusion, be it a deftly-delivered dissertation on sexism or a simple click of the block button, makes no difference, so long as you’re hitting your stride on the exit.

i hope this helps, and thanks for reading dear <3